That's Life On The Hellmouth!
by Beer Good
Summary: This is where I put most of my drabbles. A series of unconnected little scenes about everyday life on the Hellmouth and in LA. Some sad, some sweet, some just incredibly silly.
1. Intro

**That's Life On The Hellmouth!**

Sunnydale is a weird place. The series showed us a lot of the big arc-y things that happen there, but considering it's a town full of demons, I'm thinking everyday life there must involve a lot of things that differ from life in any other small town.

So occasionally I get ideas of what sort of stuff happens. So occasionally, I'll try to post these here as little 100-word drabbles.

(Oh, and absolutely, the demon-infested version of LA is weird, too. Might be a report or two from there as well. We'll see.)


	2. They've Got This Onion Thing

**They've Got This Onion Thing…**  
_After Olaf The Troll trashed The Bronze, Spike's favourite food was "remodeled off the sodding menu". But as we all know, in Sunnydale, there is no such thing as "forever"._

Spike almost bit his tongue when he saw the sign at the Bronze. His mouth watered and his stomach reared up and howled with hunger.

After 13 gruelling months on buffalo wings, the onion flower was finally back on the menu.

The chip zapped him slightly as he shoved his way through the crowd to the bar, ordered half a dozen and withdrew to a quiet corner, wolfing the first one down so quickly he barely tasted it.

As he threw up in the toilet 30 seconds later, he vowed bloody revenge on whoever came up with "onion flower provencale".

* * *

_  
Author's note: "provencale" – "from Provence"; French term signifying that a dish has been spiced with, among other things, olive oil and thyme… oh, and LOTS of garlic._


	3. The King Has Left the Building

**The King Has Left the Building**  
_Timeline: Angel s5, post-"Not Fade Away"  
Written for the openonsunday challenge "Legs/Feet"_

_One for the money, two for the show..._ He'd started humming to himself hours ago, a good rhythm to keep the pace long after his feet had grown numb from cold water.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd worn sensible shoes. Probably ditched them 30 seconds after he left Pylea. In LA, you drive everywhere, preferably in limos. No need for waterproof boots... not until it's too late to go back.

Lorne stuffed his hands deeper in his pockets and kept walking through the rainy streets, his ruined blue suede shoes splashing water with every step. _Go, cat, go._


	4. Chopper

**Chopper**  
_Timeline: Angel s5, "Conviction"  
Written for the openonsunday challenge "Legs/Feet"_

The helicopter took off from the roof with a roar, leaving Angel's stomach behind.

"Don't worry, Mr Angel." The pilot was chewing gum, like it was perfectly normal to travel this fast without touching ground. "I'll get you to that school on time, no problem."

"Good. That's... good." He looked out, shifting in his seat. "How... uh, how high are we flying?"

"600 feet."

"Six..." Angel swallowed. "That's a lot of feet."

"This your first time in a helicopter, Mr Angel?"

"Just let me know when we're there." He closed his eyes and wished he was back on the submarine.


	5. She Knows How To Use 'Em

**She Knows How To Use 'Em**_  
Timeline: Buffy s3, somewhere in the middle__  
Written for the openonsunday challenge "Legs/Feet"_

Stupid Faith.

Willow grumbled to herself as she watched Faith and Buffy on the dance floor, surrounded by a gaggle of lovestruck boys. Hey, best friend over here at the bar? But no, everyone just has eyes for Faith. What the hell is so special about her, anyway? She's not all that. Just because she's got that leather top on with its contents bouncing every which way and that red glossy lipstick and that short skirt that shows off her legs when she dances. Her long, smooth, toned, lickable...

_Huh?_ Willow blushed and quickly policed her thoughts.

Stupid best-friend-stealing Faith.


	6. For Keeps

**For Keeps****  
**_Timeline: looooong before s1  
Written for the __openonsunday__ challenge "Babies"._

He laid the new doll beside his infant child, who snuggled up to it in her sleep.

"Such a beautiful doll, Thomas." His wife couldn't quite suppress a giggle. "It looks just like the nanny I had as a child. Miss Edith, her name was. But should she really sleep with a porcelain doll in bed? What if it should shatter?"

Thomas kissed his wife and softly ruffled their sleeping daughter's black hair. "Don't worry, love. God won't let anything happen to her. And I expect she and Miss... Edith, did you say? shall be friends for a long time..."


	7. Just A Kid

******Just a Kid****  
**_Timeline: a year or so after "Chosen".  
Written for the __openonsunday__ challenge "Babies".  
__Author's note: No politics intended. I just figured it made sense for Faith._

As they left Buffy's baby shower, Faith cornered Robin. "Never. Never ever. You got me?"

He grinned. "C'mon. You never thought about it?"

"Never. All they do is yell, crap their pants and cost money until they start hating you – if you live long enough and stay out of jail. No kid deserves that."

"I still think you'd make a great mom."

"Right, 'cause you and me are experts on motherhood." Robin's smile faded, and Faith backtracked. "Sorry. Big mouth. But NEVER."

Still, that night she lay awake, thinking back.

The kid would have been eight in a few months.


	8. Not Expecting

**********(Not) Expecting****  
**_Timeline: AU, after s5 or so.__  
Written for the __openonsunday__ challenge "Babies".  
Author's note: Ever notice how every single story where Willow and/or Tara gets pregnant has one thing in common?_

The newborn screamed as it entered the world. Willow briefly wondered if she'd need a cast for the hand Tara had been holding throughout, but covered her girlfriend's sweaty but smiling face in kisses. "You're a mom! I love you so much..."

The doctor smiled. "Congratulations. You have a healthy baby boy."

You could almost hear the soundtrack screech to an abrupt halt. "A healthy baby _what_now?"

"Is that a problem?"

The witches looked at each other, confused. "Of course not..." "I guess..." "W-we just assumed..." Willow peeked at the now safely wrapped-up little tyke. "Could you, I dunno, doublecheck?"


	9. Time For a Change

**Time for a change**  
_Prompt: "Change"_

"No. I can't do this. What if I..."

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Oh brother. You've saved the world how many times is it now? And I've seen you covered in slime more than once, so don't pretend it's the ewww factor that's putting you off. Just stop being such a baby and DO it."

With trembling hands, Angel tried to ease the stinky diaper off his newborn son. Connor immediately started wailing, causing his father to panic.

"What did I do? Is he sick? Should we call the doctor? I think we should call the doctor."

Cordelia rolled her eyes.


	10. Oh, And There's No Easter Bunny Either

**Oh, And There's No Easter Bunny Either  
**_Prompt: "Muppets"_

"Ewwww." Willow couldn't look away from the carnage. "That was... poor kids."

"Yeah, Buff." Xander shook his head. "You made some child psychiatrists very rich just now."

"Look, I don't like it any more than you guys, but do you realize what happens if Guatemalan ostrich demons get to mate?" Buffy brushed some bloody yellow feathers from her axe.

"Hey, we're on board with the killage of demons, but..." Willow gestured helplessly at the kindergarten class who had happened to witness the fight, and whose teacher was trying in vain to calm the hysterical kids down.

"SHE KILLED BIG BIRD!"


	11. Why Willow Has Frog Fear

**Why Willow Has Frog Fear  
**_Prompt: "Muppets"__  
Timeline: 1989 or so.  
__Rated R for icky violence._

Neither of them liked hanging out at Xander's if his father was home. But with Sheila's ban on uneducational TV and the rain pouring down outside, they ended up watching the Harris' little 20-inch anyway. Until...

_"ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS! I thought I told you to clean up your goddamn room! Get in here ON THE DOUBLE!"_

Willow felt Xander shudder before he got up. "Do you want me to come with?"

"No, it's OK. I'll be right back."

She turned up the volume and focused on Kermit, knuckles white, trying not to hear the shouts and slaps from Xander's room.


	12. Let It Bleed

**Let It Bleed**_  
Timeline: mid-season 4_

_"Well we all need someone we can lean on..."_

"He's _got_ to be a vampire." Spike gestured at the TV as the Rolling Stones played 'Let It Bleed'. "Look at 'im! If Keith Richards isn't undead, I'm Shirley Temple."

Giles shook his head. "Granted, he's not looking very lively, but..."

"_Please_! 'We all need someone we can bleed on, feed on'? I don't know when he was turned, but I'll bet no one's seen him in direct sunlight in 30 years – HEY! Don't change the channel!"

Giles tried not to let on as his boyhood idols fell. "'Passions' is on."


	13. What If She's In A Ditch Somewhere

**What If She's In A Ditch Somewhere  
**_Prompt: "Chill"  
__Timeline: summer of '98._

It was the warmest summer in years. Yet every night Dawn woke up shivering and tiptoed into Mom's bedroom, careful not to wake her as she slipped under the covers. She kept expecting to be told 12 was too old to be sleeping in her mother's bed, but when she woke up she always found herself wrapped in a warm mom-hug so tight she could barely move.

At breakfast, Joyce clutched the coffee cup with both hands. They never went to the beach. After dinner they curled up together and watched TV, volume low just in case the phone rang.


	14. Wine Worse

**Wine Worse**_  
Prompt: "Chill"_

"AAAAAAH! COLD!" Xander squirmed and tried to get away.

"It's not cold. It's 'lightly chilled'." Anya held up the wine bottle so he could read the label. "See?"

"It also says to serve with fish or fruit, and –" His eyes widened. "_Please_ tell me there isn't fruit. Especially not bananas again."

"Xander, this is very romantic and erotic and this wine was very expensive. So shut up and enjoy it or I won't untie you."

She poured some more frigid white wine over his naked chest, causing him to yelp. He stopped complaining when she licked it up, though.


	15. Can't Help Falling In Love

**Can't Help Falling In Love**_  
m/m slash. WEIRD m/m slash._

When he saw Wolfram & Hart's client list, one name made Lorne take the job without hesitation. Naturally, he'd never believed the official story, but... to actually work with HIM!

Together, they started planning a comeback to dwarf the one in '68. Over many late-night rehearsals, their professional relationship developed into friendship... and then love. A hunka hunka burning love, with a little less conversation and a little more action.

- Oh yeah! Love me tender!

- Who's the King, baby? Who's your lovin' teddybear?

- _You_ are! Shake me, rattle me, roll me...

- Oh, Lorne...!

- Oh, Elvis...!


	16. Snooze

**Snooze**_  
Prompt: "Late"_

"Ah, Miss Summers. How kind of you to grace us with your presence. And only 30 minutes late!" The entire auditorium snickered and Buffy realized with a shudder that the only free seat was waaaaay down in the second row. She had to climb over several students ("'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Wooops. Sorry.") to reach it, and she just _knew_ they could tell that she hadn't had time to shower.

To further add to the crappiness of oversleeping, she had to skip lunch. Save the money for yet another new clock radio. Slayer strength and snooze buttons just don't mix.


	17. Night Night

**Night Night**_  
Prompt: "Late"_

Kendra drowns in Drusilla's eyes and nothing matters anymore; the slash across her throat barely hurts.

The paralysis begins to slowly fade as she hits the floor, and somewhere inside Slayer instincts scream that every second counts. She gasps for air, but there's only blood. When her brain finally regains control and orders her body to fight, crawl, live, its arms are too heavy to lift.

She hears someone come running down the corridor and grabs frantically for a flicker of hope. _Help me, don't let me die like this, please..._ But before Buffy gets there, it all slips away.


	18. Residual Effects In D Minor

**Residual Effects In D Minor  
**_Happy hallowe'en, folks!_

Everyone's jaws dropped in amazement as Buffy sat down at the piano and played a note-perfect fugue by Bach.

Xander applauded. "Maestro Summers, I am in awe."

"Quite impressive", Giles agreed, "but when did you have time to learn the piano?"

"It's from that evil costume thingy at halloween. Xander got the army training, I got the 18th century education – pretty much harpsichord lessons and how to powder a wig. But... Uh, Will? You OK?"

Willow, who had suddenly stood up and walked straight into a wall, rubbed her poor nose as she sheepishly sat back down. "Just checking something."


	19. Starting Right Now

**Starting Right Now**_  
Prompt: "Blackout"_

"Right now?" Willow smiled and Tara blew out the candle, leaving her dorm room pitch dark.

They moved towards each other clumsily, not just because they could barely see. The officialness of the situation made them think too much about hows, wheres and whats; hands were all thumbs, kisses all noses and teeth.

Then someone at Sunnydale Electric pushed a button and the power came back on, bathing the two women in 60W light. They froze, then giggled as they looked into each other's eyes and tension washed away. When they shut the light off again, everything felt very natural.


	20. Not Not Fade Away

**Not Not Fade Away**_  
Prompt: "Blackout"_

_"Executive Producer: Joss Whedon" _Angel frowned at the words that appeared before him, and at the red-haired man who came up to shake his hand. "Great job, David."

"Who's David?"

"Oi, check out the demons!" Spike pointed at the until recently approaching demon army, who stopped and started removing their costumes, revealing themselves as aspiring actors and stuntmen.

Illyria punched a Fox exec.

_In another LA..._

...David, James, J and Amy looked up at the dragon swooping down on them. "I thought they were doing that in CGI?"

"Yeah... and where did the cameramen go?"

"I think we're in trouble."


	21. Dedication

**Dedication  
**_Prompt: "Memorial"_

There was somber applause as Giles took the podium, scissors in hand.

"This is not the easiest speech I've ever had to give."

He took a deep breath to steady his voice.

"We never saw eye to eye, and I would be lying if I said I approved of his methods. But he worked for the Council his whole life and paid the ultimate price for it, so... He earned this."

Giles cut the red ribbon.

"It is with the utmost respect that I declare the Quentin Travers Memorial Rubbish Bin open. May it serve as long as he did."


	22. Way Too Late

**Way Too Late  
**_Prompt: "Memorial"_

Sometimes attraction just leads to collision. They had always had a gut-level, almost physical connection, like two halves of one. But there was Angel, and then the murders... some lines you can't uncross.

But Sunnydale was gone, so many had died and in a motel room, Buffy and Faith clung to each other like two people drowning, hugs leading to groping, words to kisses, sobs to moans. Hands fumbling for hot skin, Buffy pulled at Faith's t-shirt... and saw the knife scar across her belly. A red, jagged line she'd crossed.

"I... I'm sorry. I can't." Buffy turned and ran.


	23. Guitar Man

**Guitar Man**  
_Prompt: Elvis Presley. Guess which movie I'm thinking of._

For a while it seemed pointless, but Oz soon realized that Willow or no Willow, he couldn't lose control again. So he still meditated, chanted, kept his cool and functioned, day by day.

But he couldn't feel the music anymore. The sounds his guitar made were dull, meaningless. Only on full moons, when the wolf strained to break its chains, could he play the simplest and slowest of chord progressions and feel it; C, Am, F, G, over and over again.

_"Blue moon  
You saw me standing alone  
Without a dream in my heart  
Without a love of my own..."_


	24. All Shook Up

**All Shook Up**  
_Prompt: Elvis Presley. Season 4._

"Look at this mess!" Xander fumed as the vampire returned to the basement at dawn. "Yesterday you promised you would clean up!"

"Yeah," Spike shrugged. "I was going to, but then I didn't."

"I swear, one of these days I'll-"

"What? Stake me? You haven't got the balls and you know it."

"Whatever. I'm late for work. But know this: someday, vengeance will be mine. Oh yes." Xander left.

"Ponce." Spike went to the fridge for a beer. When he opened the can it exploded, soaking him in foam from head to toe.

Xander poked his head back inside. "Gotcha."


	25. Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

**Where Do Broken Hearts Go**  
_Prompt: "Leftovers"._

Parker ordered another beer. His face still hurt from yesterday's encounter with Riley, and the shiner hardly helped him pick up a girl to restore his self-image. But as a beautiful blonde with teary eyes sat down next to him, he cleared his throat and became Sensitive Guy.

"Excuse me, but I can't help but notice that you've been hurt. As you can see, I can relate. If you want to talk–"

She looked up, sobbing. "Can we skip it and just, like, go someplace private?"

_Score!_ "A lady's request is my command. By the way, I'm Parker."

"Harmony."


	26. Because It's Right

**Because It's Right  
**_Prompt: Leftovers._

The walkie-talkie crackled. "_-kchhhhh- _Right, so where is it?"

"Where is it, _over_."

"Better check your locator thingamabob, Andrew. There ain't a single -_kchhhhh_- demon above me."

"Spike, you have to say 'over' when you're done talking. Over."

"Fine. Where's the nest, _over_."

"You should see two doors. The demon eggs are in the -_kchhhhh_- ...hundreds of adult demons in the other. Over."

"Say what?"

"You _-kchhhhh_- say 'Didn't copy, over.' Over."

"Didn't copy. OVER. Right?"

"Right. Over."

"Right then... bloody HELL!" Spike ran for his life. "Wrong room, ya little _-kchhhhh_-..."

"Don't blame me! I said the _left_! Over!"


	27. In Vain

**In Vain  
**_Prompt: "Making preparations"_

There'd be no open casket, no parading mourners, no eulogies – offically, Buffy was still alive. But even if nobody would see her again, Giles wanted her to look proper.

He struggled to be clinical about it. After all, this was his job: train her, teach her, prepare her. As he dressed her in the black dress she'd bought for her mother's funeral, he couldn't help noticing how well her body had withstood the 100-foot fall – as if the Slayer's strength remained even in death. As if it had always been there, innate, and all his preparations had been just... window-dressing.


	28. No More Buttmonkey

**No More Buttmonkey**  
_Prompt: "Making Preparations"_

He'd heard them snicker. Oh yes. So this wasn't the first time he had vowed to never let the monster-of-the-week walk all over him again, but... this time, he'd show'em he meant it.

Stakes? Check.

Cross? Check.

Those six-pointed Shuriken Of David Willow made? Check.

Fangproof Kevlar vest? Check.

Molotov cocktails? Check.

Baseball bat? Check.

Steel-enforced Doc Martens, British soccer fan style? Check.

Wayfarers to avoid eye contact with eurotrash vampires? Check.

Ten-gallon tank of holy water connected to Super Soaker™? Groovy.

Vampires beware, here comes Xander Harris.

As soon as he figures out how to walk with all this.


	29. Human Weakness

**Human Weakness**  
_Prompt: "Stress"_**  
**

Knock knock.

"Go away."

The vampire looked at his watch and steeled himself before opening the door.

"Sir-"

"I said GO. AWAY." The boss was at his desk, face in his hands, hair on end.

"Sir, graduation is in two hours and we need to..." The vampire ducked a paperweight, thrown with impotent human strength, and shrugged. Hey, his ascension, his problem if he misses it. He closed the door.

Alone again, Richard Wilkins took a deep breath. He rewound the camcorder for the fourth time and forced a smile before hitting "Rec".

"Hello, Faith. If you're watching this tape..."


	30. Therapy?

**Therapy?**_  
Prompt: "Stress"_

"I'm not crazy!"

Dr Cairns nodded, stifling an overworked yawn. "Of course not, Ms Kroger. We don't use the 'C' word in psychiatry anymore."

"Don't you patronize me! I'm perfectly -"

He held his hand up. "Please, hear me out. Ms Kroger, _Doris_, let's be frank. We both know that Sunnydale is... different. Just between you and me, it's not impossible that your coffee mug _did_ tell you to kill everybody. Question is – does your medical insurance cover Act of Ghost?"

Doris started to object, then slowly closed her mouth.

He smiled. "I'll just put down 'work-related stress', then. NEXT!"


	31. What Is the Light?

**What Is the Light?  
**_Prompt: "Light"_

Cordelia's feet left the ground and she slowly started rising upwards.

For a second or two, a familiar voice at the back of her head yelled "HEY! Just what the hell is going on here? Some demon tells you you're gonna be a God or whatever and you just _buy_ it? Gullible much?"

Then her new, more secure instincts took over. She was powerful now, just look at how she'd helped Connor... and hey, how could a light this bright not be good?

Besides, considering how fast the earth was shrinking under her, it was a moot point.


	32. First Light

**First light**  
_Prompt: "Light"_

Sunnydale had never deserved its name since she returned; the weather always seemed gray and overcast. Mornings were the hardest, with no reason to get up.

"Hey, time to wake up! Breakfast! Better hurry though, potentials plus food equals no food..."

"Sleepy. Go away." Willow turned her head from the door.

The bed rocked as the other girl bounded across it to the window, jolting Willow from her half-sleep. She blinked as Kennedy pulled the curtains apart and became a silhouette against the bright morning light; whaddyaknow, the sun _was_ up.

"Come on, sleepyhead. I'll make you toast...?"


	33. Morning Shift

**Morning Shift**  
_Prompt: "Light"_

Nurse Adams looked up in alarm as five people burst into the E.R. at dawn; a man carrying a beat-up woman, and a redhead and a blonde with a broken hand supporting a girl in a weird dress, bleeding from a cut to her stomach. All seemed to be in total shock. "Oh dear. What happened?"

They all looked at the redhead, who mumbled something about a robbery.

"Don't tell me; you fought back?" The nurse shook her head in sympathy. "Never a good idea. You're lucky you got off this light."

That's when the redhead started crying again.


	34. Rated R For Language

**Rated R For Language** (which is title, summary AND rating – I'm efficient sometimes)_  
Prompt: Disobedience_

"Why are you doing this?" Dawn sobbed as Glory's minion anointed her.

"The key must be pure."

"Fuck you."

The minion shushed her. "No, don't..."

"FUCK YOU!" Dawn screamed at him. "FUCK YOU, FUCK BEN, FUCK GLORY, FUCK BUFFY, FUCK THE FUCKING MONKS, FUCK THE FCC, FUCK ALL OF YOU UP THE FUCKING ASS WITH A FUCKING GIANT FUCKING RAZOR-BLADE DILDO! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE IN POOLS OF YOUR OWN SHIT AND BLOOD AND BRAINS AND PISS, YOU FUCKING FUCKS!"

"Oh dear." The minion called out in his toadiest voice. "Oh, transcendentally magnificent one? The key isn't pure anymore..."


	35. Easy As Pi

**Easy As Pi**_  
Prompt: Calculations_

"452?" Willow blinked. "Wow, that's..."

"I-I know it's pretty geeky..." Fred grinned, embarrassed. "It's just... Here's this number that people have known about forever, and everyone uses it but no one knows exactly what it is, 3.141592653 and on and on and... I thought it would be cool to see how far I could trace it."

"Oh, hey, Sunnydale's biggest non-evil science nerd here. I mostly used my calculator for pi, though. But memorizing 452 digits, that's pretty darn impressive... I'd, uh, love to hear them sometime...?"

"Sure." Fred blushed, then frowned. "Wait, did I say memorize? I meant calculated."


	36. Clothes Fluke

**Clothes Fluke**  
_Prompt: Superbowl  
Timeline: AtS season 5/Super Bowl XXXVIII _

"YES! John Kasay, my _man_!" Gunn toasted the field goal with another beer.

"I still say rugby is..."

"SHUT UP, WES!" Fred and Gunn wouldn't hear a word against their national sport. Wesley and Spike shrugged.

The players left the field, and Lorne sat up in excitement. "Here we go!"

The representative from Texas looked uncomfortable. "You're sure it was a good idea to have your team organize the Superbowl halftime show? A lot of them _are_ evil."

"Don't worry, Fredekins. I've planned for every..." As Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake started singing, Lorne turned even greener than usual. "Crap."


	37. The Locked Up Monster

**The Locked-Up Monster**  
_Prompt: Saints_**  
**  
"So what's with you and convents, anyways?"

"I guess..." Angel looked at her through the prison visiting area's plexiglas, considering his answer. "To take someone who believes, someone that _sure_ of what's right, good and evil, and break them until they die thinking that maybe all those forgive-me-fathers were for nothing... you don't just kill them, you _damn_ them. Angelus... _I_ lived for that."

"Ever met one you couldn't break?"

"A couple. I guess they're the sort who get made saints."

"Lucky them." Faith rolled her eyes.

Angel shrugged. "I don't know about that. I mean... I still killed them."


	38. Hanging On In Quiet Desperation

**Hanging on in Quiet Desperation Is the English Way **  
_Prompt: New Season_

"I've brought you an extra blanket." He put it by her bed. "English summers might be colder than you're used to. I'm afraid my countrymen never understood the value of double glazing..."

She just stared into the wall. He fought off a deep-rooted reflex to offer her a cup of tea and turned to leave.

"Giles?" It was the first thing she'd said since they left California. "W-will it... be quick?"

"I'm afraid not. Do you think it should be?"

Willow shook her head.

He was halfway out the door before he realized that she wasn't talking about being rehabilitated.


	39. Shattered

**Shattered  
**_Prompt: China_

When they get back from the hospital, Giles takes Dawn upstairs to put her to bed. Buffy, unable to _not_ do something, starts cleaning up the mess the paramedics made in the living room.

Behind the couch she finds her mother's favorite cup, shattered where she dropped it. Earl Grey drying into the carpet, lipstick still on the rim.

Buffy doesn't hear Dawn bawling her eyes out upstairs as she tries to glue the cup back together. But Slayer strength, supposedly useful in saving the world, crushes the fine china in her white-knuckled hands. Useless shards dig into her palms.


	40. Last Night

**Last Night**  
_Prompt: "Before". Remember Dana, from Angel 5.11 "Damage"?  
_

"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!"

"Honey, it's a school nigh-"

"ALL my friends get to stay up til ten! It's not FAIR!"

By the time he had put his daughter to bed and collapsed next to his wife on the couch, it was almost 10 anyway. "Jesus Christ. That kid is going to make me bald before I'm 40."

She laughed and kissed him. "That's our Dana. But you know what she's like; tomorrow she'll have forgotten everything and be as sweet... as..." Suddenly she frowned and sat up straight. "Did you lock the front door?"


	41. I Had My Throat Something Something

**I Had My Throat... yada yada yada... And All My Friends... Something Something**_  
Prompt: "Absence"_

The executive bathrooms at Wolfram & Hart have gold-plated mirrors that are kept squeaky clean and give no answers. They just reflect.

Wesley looks in the mirror, traces the scar on his neck with his finger. He frowns.

He remembers sharp steel, blood welling in his throat, betrayal, loneliness. There was someone he...

And then she...

And then they...

So he...

...comes up blank.

(As far as he remembers, "Connor" is a character in a cheesy 80s fantasy movie.)

He's got a scar, a huge paycheck, friends, and guilt he can't explain. Effects, but no causes.

He wonders who he is.


	42. New Brat in Town

**New Brat in Town**_  
Prompt: "Snyder"_

Snyder caught the brunette just as she was about to leave school grounds. "Where do you think you're going, young lady?"

"None of your business."

Oooh, a troublemaker. He frantically searched his mind for her name; maybe she had just transferred in? Well, he'd be damned if he was going to let this one burn down _his_ gymnasium. Why was she holding her jacket closed like that? "What do you have under there? Drugs?"

"Nah. B 'accidentally' ripped my t-shirt in training." Faith opened her jacket. "See?"

When Snyder came to three hours later, he was still mumbling about detention.


	43. Calvary

**Calvary**_  
Prompt: Recycled title_

"But Cor..."

"Shut up, Harmony." Cordelia held up their paper. "See this? That's what we call an 'F'. I swear, that's the last time we do a history assignment together. Would it have _killed_ you to do the reading? It's not that hard!"

"I did SO do the reading! I even checked the frickin' encyc... enclyc... fact book thingy! It said they killed him in Canada!"

"Harm, just -"

"I mean, do you think I'm stupid or something? See for yourself, it says right here: 'And when they were come to the place, which is called Calgary, there they crucified him.'"


	44. But The Angels Won't Receive Me

**...But The Angels Won't Receive Me  
**_Prompt: Green_

A few days after they bring her back, Buffy goes on her first patrol. At least that's what she tells them.

She doesn't remember exactly where it is – she wasn't paying much attention last time – but she knows Sunnydale by night, and eventually she finds it.

Buffy kneels on what used to be her grave. Someone – Xander, perhaps – has gotten rid of the headstone and thrown some artificial turf over the hole she dug. She runs her hand over the fake grass, then underneath it. It's certainly greener on this side, but... somehow not as real as the cold dirt.


	45. All Those Melodies Go On Too Long

**All Those Melodies Go On Too Long**  
_Prompt: Sweet_

"Now, now, Slayer", Sweet chuckled, almost unperturbed by the swordtip at his throat. "Is that any way to greet a client?"

"'Client'? I'm sorry, wrong number. I don't work for demons who tried to kill me."

"Not even if there's a common threat? Enemy of my enemy and all that jazz?"

Buffy hesitated. "Alright. You have ten seconds to convince me – and NO singing."

"Oh, I think I can guarantee that." Sweet grabbed the remote.

After 20 minutes of _American Idol_ tryouts, all differences were forgotten. Sweet was right; the R'Yan Seekhrest demon was evil and had to be stopped.


	46. Special Delivery

**Special Delivery  
**_Prompt: "Message/Messenger"_

_Damnit._ Slimy little...

Psychological warfare used to be so easy. Leave enemies hints that you can kill them anytime you want, watch enemies stampede like cattle, laugh evilly.

But this was just... undignified.

Angelus was soaked to the shoulder when he finally managed to catch the last of Willow's goldfish. Little bastard had eluded him for 20 minutes, it deserved a thread through its... goddamn... slippery... oops. Where'd it go?

He slipped on the fish and fell on his ass with a loud - and painful - crash.

_"Willow? Is everything alright?"_

"Uh... yeah." Falsetto voice. "Just fine... Mom."

Someone would _pay_.


	47. That Nice Man

**That Nice Man  
**_Prompt: "Hunt"_

Sometimes, Anya made fun of Xander's collection of DVD box sets. _Babylon 5_, _Twilight Zone_, all _Star Trek_s including the animated series... come on.

She always felt a little guilty about it, though. After all, it wasn't his fault that there wasn't a decent DVD collection of _her_ favourite TV show.

So she hung onto her worn-out VHS tapes. She'd seen every episode more times than she could count, but still kept hoping that maybe this time... watching for every little pop culture reference, she'd mouth her hero's lines along with the TV:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits."


	48. Sacrifice

**Sacrifice  
**_Prompt: "Tax"_

The difference between taxes and extortion is fickle. Basically, extortion is forced upon people by someone else; taxes are paid by the people _for_ the people. At least that's the idea.

So in the grander scheme of things, it makes sense: rather than let those who are stronger take whatever they want, mankind taxed itself; the first safety net. One girl with the power to fight... for a while. And then another.

As for the tears cried in private by parents and loved ones... well, no system of taxation was ever fair. Some people always pay more than their share.


	49. Stood up to The Man & gave him what for

**Stood up to The Man and gave him what for  
**_Prompt: "Tax"_

Over time, history changes. Truth becomes metaphor, myth becomes fact. We become more enlightened.

For instance: Prince John demanded taxes no honest man could pay, so a green-hooded rebel rose up to rob from the rich, give to the poor and reinstall God-fearing King Richard.

(Funny how history is always men fighting over material riches, isn't it?)

Then there are legends that the Sheriff of Nottingham was never seen in daylight, that Friar Tuck practiced something older than Jerusalem, and that Maid Marian was the best bowman in England and could kick Little John's ass... but obviously, that's dark-age fairytales.


	50. Big Bad

**Big Bad  
**_Prompt: "Tax"_

"But it's not _fair_, Giles!"

"I'm afraid we shall simply have to accept that."

"That's ridiculous! What's the point of bringing a supernatural warrior back from the dead if she won't fight evil?"

"Mystical forces are one thing, Anya, but the human world has rules -"

"Screw the rules! You may come from a communist European country, but this is America! Home of free enterprise and capitalism! I've worked my ass off for this, no way I'm just going to hand it over to -"

"I don't care! I will NOT ask Buffy to slay the IRS, and that's final!"


	51. Chinese Democracy Is Delayed Again

**_Chinese Democracy_ Is Delayed Again**  
_Prompt: "Caritas"_

"_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOAOAOAOOR, HEY, HEY, HEY HEY YEAH! LEMME HEAR YA CARITAS!_"

"You know," Cordelia yelled in Lorne's ear to be heard over the noise of a long-haired man murdering Bob Dylan on stage, "that guy looks an awful lot like Axl Rose."

"Are you kidding, sugarbuns? That _is_ Axl!"

"I thought this was a demon bar?"

Lorne gave her a "yes, and therefore...?" look.

"Oh. Really? I never knew he was..." Suddenly Cordelia looked a lot more interested. "So when do you think the new album's coming out?"

Lorne just groaned and ordered another seabreeze.


	52. It's All Connected

**It's All Connected**  
_Prompt: "Earth". Takes place post-"Grave"._

Willow leans against a tree half a world from home, feeling the bark, the roots, the earth.

So much life, power, possibility, loneliness.

So easy to reach out all the way to a California graveyard, caress _her_ coffin, tell the worms to stay the hell away, preserve her, fix the unfixable. Maybe even...

So tempting to violate natural order, everything her lover believed in. To tell herself it's for Tara's sake, not her own. To slip into darkness.

Giles keeps finding Willow on paved roads, second floors, in rubber-tyred cars, crying, begging to be disconnected, weakened, unable to hurt anyone.


	53. Commercial Break

**Commercial Break**_  
Prompt: "Sunnydale"_

Lost your soul?

Possessed someone else's body?

Trying to seduce a werewolf?

Then come to **Leath-R-Pantz-R-Us**! Conveniently located in Sunnydale's busiest shopping district, Leath-R-Pantz-R-Us offers a wide selection of leather pants in all sizes for that "it feels good to be bad" look.

We are open 24/7 and will deliver anywhere in the greater Sunnydale area within 30 minutes. We offer special discounts for those of you on a student budget or recently deceased, and naturally – a lifetime guarantee on all our products!

_Leath-R-Pantz-R-Us: Because nothing says sexy, dead, and/or evil like tight black leather._

(Lifetime guarantee voided if slain.)


	54. 1UP

**1UP  
**_Prompt: Nature_

Buffy frowned. "So let me get this straight. I have to eat all the mushrooms and flowers I can find..."

"Especially green-a mushrooms, they give-a you an extra life."

"Already got a few of those, thanks... are these, uh, magic mushrooms?"

"No, is-a perfectly natural."

"Uh-_huh_. And this will make me double in size and shoot fireballs?"

The small plumber nodded enthusiastically.

"Why would I wanna do that?"

"To defeat-a the flying-a maneating-a turtles."

"Flying... maneating... _turtles_...?"

"And save-a the beautiful princess!"

"Look, no offense, Fabio -"

"Mario."

"...Mario, but this is the weirdest hell dimension I've ever been to."


	55. Bad Eggs: Behind The Mucus

**Bad Eggs: Behind The Mucus**  
_Prompt: Nature. Geeky pun alert._

"That was YOU?"

Andrew beamed proudly. "Well, me and my brother Tucker. It was the first demon we summoned together."

"Makes sense," Xander muttered. "That was the worst demon ever."

"Worst as in 'most awesomely fearsome'?"

"No, worst as in 'lamest'. A huge blob of slime in the school basement using eggs to turn people into zombies? Never thought anyone was dumb enough to summon that."

"Come on, it was hard work! What, you thought those things just grow naturally in basements? No, all..."

"Please don't say what I think you're about to say.."

"All your bezoar belong to us!"


	56. Hypno Sex Ray

**Hypno Sex Ray**  
_Prompt: songs featured on the Buffyverse; The Cramps – Hypno Sex Ray (ep "Shiny Happy People")_

They were too late.

The five hermanos banded together again. El Diablo Robótico was a formidable opponent, with a loud, rhythmic weapon that turned children against their parents, ripped down the barriers that held society together, destroyed everything that had come before.

They killed him, ripped his transistors out, pulled his head from his body.

But the damage had been done. As the years went by, Número Cinco could only watch as the skirts got shorter, the hair longer, the electric guitars louder. The devil had the best tunes, and no solo career ever took off like the old band.


	57. Little Fury

**Little Fury**_  
Prompt: songs featured on the Buffyverse; The Breeders – Little Fury (ep "Him")_

"Awww. She really loves that wheel." Willow leans over the cage, smiling.

"Sure, but... there must be some spell we haven't tried."

"No, I've pretty much gone through the book... But look at her run! That's one happy rat."

Amy's primitive brain can't really comprehend emotions like joy – or for that matter claustrophobia or hate. Can't quite remember having opposable thumbs, brownies, magic... can't remember yesterday, really. Just a grating _wrong_ feeling. She keeps running, because the wheel never stops. Three years of DO. NOT. WANT. WHEEL. BARS. CHEESE. DO. NOT. WANT, going round and round, burning into her mind.


	58. I Love You

**I Love You**_  
Prompt: songs featured on the Buffyverse; Silverbullit – I Love You (ep "Potential")_

The sunlight comes through the window. 12 hours until moonrise.

Willow stirs next to him.

"Morning."

_The moon comes out. The transformation takes seconds. Feels like hours._

"Mmmm... morning." She is warm against him, still half asleep. Then pouts. "Oh. Wolfy tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Nawww, no fair. I want _my_ Oz."

She pulls him to her and he is. Whole. Complete.

_There's a point, when the bones bend and he can't stand, where everything_

_splits_

_and he's neither man nor beast. _

Morning. Willow pulls him in. "I love you."

_Night. Oz falls into the black and the wolf runs free._


	59. For The Home Team

**For the Home Team**_  
Prompt: "Strike". Remember that little league girl in "Chosen"...?_

For a few seconds, everything was still. The small crowd mumbled in surprise, the pitcher stared with her mouth hanging open, and the girl herself just looked at the bat, all thoughts of running for first base forgotten.

Finally the umpire spoke up. "Uh... strike two?"

"Whaddyamean 'strike'?" Her father flew up, furious. "She clearly HIT the ball! How is that a strike?"

The umpire pulled out his rule book and searched frantically for the correct call for "ball disintegrates into smithereens upon being hit".

Katie kept staring at the bat, turning it over in her hands. It felt... good.


	60. No Noose Is Good Noose

**No Noose Is Good Noose**  
_Prompt: Tie_

Some mornings, he wishes his job didn't require a tie; the perfect Windsor knot feels too tight. He used to be "Bob", he used to wear oversized t-shirts, when did he become proper Mr Flutie?

But the suit and tie give him that extra Authority he occasionally needs to lead troubled students back onto the straight-and-narrow. At least... that's the idea.

As the pack leap upon him, he briefly wishes he hadn't stayed in school. The jacket is too constricting to fight in. He screams, but one of them grabs his tie and pulls, and then there's no more air.


	61. Polly Shouldn't Be

**Polly Shouldn't Be**_  
Prompt: Birthday  
__SPOILER SEASON 8__ (timeline: roughly 6 months before "The Long Way Home" )_

* * *

"Happy birthday!" 

The candles throw shadows across the cave, but Warren's slimy fingers pass right through the birthday cake. "Right. Just a glamour." He bites back a vicious comment. "Well, I guess it's the thought that counts. But... my birthday's in January?"

"It's two years since I raised you from the dead."

"Wow. Time sure flies when you're trapped under tons of rock with nothing but crushed übervamps to eat. Thanks, I guess. Again. Hey, how about as a birthday gift, you get us OUT OF THIS EX-HELLMOUTH?"

"Patience, sweetie." Amy coughs. "The army should find us any month now."


	62. Down For the Count

**Down For the Count**  
_Prompt: "Wave". Angel, between s3 and s4._

Vampire senses are useful. Night vision, for instance, works not only at night but also under water.

After a week stuck at the bottom of the ocean, Angel starts to alleviate boredom by counting. First he counts fish, but they all look the same and keep swimming back and forth. Then it's boats, but Connor dumped him way off the main routes and after three weeks he's only counted 11. Not helping.

So he counts waves.

One, two, three...

...ninetysix, ninetyseven, ninetyeight...

...fourthousandthreehundredthirteen, fourthousandthreehundredfourteen, fourthousandthreehundredfifteen...

...thirteenmillionsevenhundredfortyonethousandninehundredtwentynine, thirteenmillionsevenhundredfortyonethousandninehundredthirty, speedboat with hot blonde girl waterskiing, thirteenmillionsevenhundredforty... uh, sevenhundredforty...

Damnit.

One, two, three...


	63. Black Knight Is A Long Way From Home

**Black Knight Is A Long Way From Home**  
_Prompt: "Gatekeeper". Silly crossover._

OK, so, first day at Wolfram & Hart. Angel exited the limo and looked up at the skyscaper, pondering. After a moment, he made his way towards the executive entrance.

The executive entrance was blocked by a beefy security guard, dressed all in black with a black mask hiding his face. "None shall pass."

"What?"

"NONE shall pass."

"Look, I have no quarrel with you, but I must get into my office -"

"Then you shall die."

"I order you as the CEO of Wolfram & Hart to stand aside!"

"I move for no man."

Angel sighed. Where did they _find_ these people?


	64. Angel On Top

**Angel On Top AKA Eat Your Heart Out, Richard Gere (R)**_  
Prompt: "Angels and Demons"  
Remember Anya's speech on Santa in "The Body"...?_

"Is it dead?"

"Yup."

"OK. That's good. That's..." Fred whimpered. "We slayed _Santa_, guys."

"Technically, not really." Wesley awkwardly patted her on the shoulder. "This demon, Santa Claws, has gone down chimneys to eviscerate children since the 15th century, but the Father Christmas myth shall live on without him..."

Gunn turned to Angel, who was struggling to get up. "You OK?"

"NO." Angel gasped in pain. "Did you _have_ to call me by my name in front of that thing?"

"Sorry, but... how was I supposed to know his reaction would be to shove a Christmas tree up your ass?"


	65. The Chicken That Was Not A Chicken

**The Chicken That Was Not A Chicken**  
_Prompt: Monster Island.  
If you haven't watched Seth Green's series "Robot Chicken", this will make... very little sense._

Oz has the strangest dreams sometimes. Not Willowishly weird, but still... weird. As if it's not really him dreaming them.

Like the one he keeps having, where he has his own kingdom of small plastic monsters to do his bidding. He can pit Skeletor against Darth Vader, Megatron against Chucky, the Coreys against Michael Jackson. It feels disturbingly good to play God, knowing his audience cannot but keep watching as he invents new ways to torture the denizens of his little private island.

Then he's shook awake.

"Oz?"

"Stupid monkey..."

"What did you call me?"

"Uh... sorry, Will. Weird dream."


	66. University of Pylea Physics Dept

**University of Pylea Physics Dept.**_  
Prompt: Portal Through Time_

158 days (159?) since hot showers, computers, public transport, refrigerators and a lot of things she's forgetting.

She's spent years learning stuff, when did it get so hard? She's supposed to be one of those thinkers who advance mankind's knowledge. She can explain Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, Einstein's theory of relativity, quantum mechanics... the other slaves hate her since they keep having to show her how to build a fire, skin a goat, even what leaves to wipe her ass with.

Fred counts the days on fingers whose nails are worn down to the flesh. 159, 160. One more memory gone.


	67. Slash

**Slash**_  
Prompt: Fandom__  
London, 1864_

"William?"

"Yes, Mother?"

"I was in your room, and I happened to lay eyes on... on... would you care to explain the meaning of these pages you've written?"

"Oh... um... it's for school, Mother. We're reading _Pride and Prejudice_."

"Don't give me that. You can't possibly dream of presenting... _filth_ such as this in school."

"It's not -"

"It is! Moreover, it is emphatically NOT what happens in Miss Austen's book!"

"Um... that's precisely it, Mother, it's about subverting the reader's expectations, and... playing with established canon, and... um..."

"Honestly, William. Darcy/Wickham? I swear, sometimes I fear for your soul."


	68. Dress Rehearsal

**Dress Rehearsal**  
_Prompt: "As You Were", so... season 6, duh._

Five minutes with her and you're back to rehearsing what to say, like two years ago.

"I'm married." Simple enough, right? So tell her already. You're over her, and she was over you long ago.

Then you look at her, all pinstripes and cowhat, and there's something... off. Broken. Like the _Buffyness_ of her ran out, and the precious little that's left rattles around in a fragile shell and...

...don't start waxing poetic. Over. Married. _Tell_ her.

Here we go.

Telling her any minute now.

"No offense, but this is black ops, and you look like a pylon."

Smooth, Finn.


	69. Triumph

**Triumph**_  
Prompt: "Camp". Post-NFA.  
_

As LA's skyscrapers collapse and winged monsters soar overhead, everyone flees. Or tries; countless die under the rubble or on clogged freeway ramps.

Anne stays as long as she can, but soon there's no neighborhood to help. One of the kids breaks into an abandoned SUV, and it carries the last members of the shelter out of town.

They drive through the desert until they're out of gas, then huddle around a campfire as darkness falls. Anne sleeps, exhausted, while Death passes them over.

Come morning, they break camp. Los Angeles burns behind them. They walk towards the rising sun.


	70. Slice

**Slice**_  
Prompt: "Drive". __Angel, mid-s5._

"...so I really don't see why we would settle this case out of court."

"And if I can convince you, Bob?" Gunn pegs the golf ball and squints against the afternoon sun, ignoring the slight headache.

The DA laughs. "Knowing you, I bet you've got half a dozen obscure cases ready. Shoot."

"Just a sec. FORE!" Gunn swings, but suddenly it's like he's never played before; the drive feels all wrong, and the ball disappears in the rough. "Huh. Anyway, there's the case of the state versus... uh..." His head is pounding. "I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?"


	71. If You Build It, They'll Be Gone

**If You Build It, They'll Be Gone**_  
Prompt: "Exhaust". Wishverse._

She pouted. "I thought you'd like it."

"Oh, I do. You've simply... overdone it, my dear." He put down the blueprints. "You're young, you want everything right now, but our race must think ahead. With this 'factory' you're suggesting, we'd exhaust Sunnydale's entire supply in..."

"...8.3 days." A proud grin.

"Eight days. Efficient, certainly... but what do we drink after nine days?"

She produced another blueprint. "Biggest refrigeration unit in California. We pack the whole population in little bite-size bags."

"Astounding. I do love the 20th century."

"So did I do good, Master?"

He caressed her cheek. "Very good, Willow."


	72. Divide et Impera

**Divide et Impera**_  
Pre-series._

"Ah, Alan, come in. Toffee? So, how did our real estate agent friend do?"

"Um... fine. Mrs Summers will sign the mortgage papers tomorrow."

"Fantastic! He gave her a better deal this time, then?"

"Much better. He called it, uh, cutting his own throat."

"See? With proper motivation, anyone can sell anything. Besides, real throatcutting gets so messy. You know, Alan, it feels good to help people."

Richard Wilkins leaned back, smiling. Nothing like having a Slayer around to control the competition and keep the voters safe... and if she got too uppity, well, he knew where to find her.


	73. To Eleven

**To Eleven**_  
Prompt: "Rock'n'roll".__  
London, 1965 - __"__This Is Spinal Tap__" crossover _

Young people came to Swinging London to be rockstars, or at least be near them. For many, the dream turned sour. Take Mary, for instance; dumped by both guitarists in an up-and-coming band, she now sat sobbing at the bar, complaining to a new-found friend.

"I hate them! I wish they were dead... no, wait. That's too easy. I wish they live to see their _career_ die. I wish they keep losing their drummers, that they get second billing to puppet shows, that their stage equipment almost kills them, and..."

Anya nodded, taking notes. "Good. I can work with that."


	74. Everything Louder Than Everything Else

**Everything Louder Than Everything Else**_  
Prompt: "Rock'n'roll".__  
Boston, 1998_

The vampire screamed in pain, Faith slammed the stake home and then took a deep breath before turning towards her watcher. Yup, that was the look of disapproval.

"That was pure luck, Faith. He almost had you."

"Fine, shouldn't have let him get that close, but... you know what you said about vampire hearing? I figured anything loud would hurt'em. So I put my headphones on him, turned it up, 10 seconds of Motörhead later... dust."

"And you shouldn't be wearing your walkman on patrol, either." She smiled reluctantly. "Still... it was resourceful. We'll make a slayer of you yet."


	75. Con vict ion

**Con/vict/ion**  
_Prompt: "Con." Circa "Dirty Girls."  
_

The potential joins the Slayer on the porch. "So... you're the infamous Faith?"

"Yup."

"Can't say it's a bad thing having another Slayer on board, but... concrete walls, armed guards protecting you, and you give that up to join Operation Certain Death?"

"Looks like."

"Why?"

"Good question." Faith lights a cigarette. "You're...?"

"Kennedy."

"Red's girl, right?"

"Yeah."

"So I'm guessing you've heard some things. Gonna give me the speech?"

"If you want." Kennedy holds her gaze. "'Hurt her, and I'll kick your ass.' How's that?"

"Depends. Really think you could take me?"

"I'd try."

Faith takes a drag. "Good answer."


	76. Promotional Gifts

**Promotional Gifts**  
_Morning after "New Moon Rising."_

A knock on the door shook Tara awake. "Wh-who's there?"

_"UPS. Package for Tara Maclay."_

"Just a minute." She eased out of Willow's sleepy embrace, slipped on a robe and signed for the heavy package. As she closed the door, Willow woke and smiled drowsily at her. "Good morning."

"Best morning. Whatcha got there?"

"No idea." Tara frowned. "There's no return address, just says 'Good job'...?"

"Ooo, now I'm curious." Willow sat up. "Open, open, open!"

Tara tore off the wrapping. Seeing the stainless-steel kitchen appliance inside, she blushed bright red, then giggled. "Uh... OK, I guess it's toast for breakfast."


	77. Best Served Cold

**Best Served Cold**

The vibe from the hellmouth gets people to do things. Things they wouldn't normally do. Bad, vicious, _evil_ things.

Take Babs, for instance. She'd been waitressing at Chez Jacque's Fine Cuisine in Sunnydale for three years and never snapped at a customer before. But this guy? Complained about the soup, complained about the wine, complained about the service... so finally she "accidentally" tripped and spilled dijon sauce all over his shirt. "Oh. I'm _so_ sorry, Sir." 

Of course they took it out of her paycheck, but it was worth it. She knew how impossible it was to get mustard out.


	78. Nobody Likes A KnowItAll

**Nobody Likes A Know-It-All**  
_Prompt: "School"_**  
**

Wendell crawled from his grave confused; he remembered walking home late after tutoring Larry in history, someone grabbing him, and _biting_ him, and -

Part of him recognized the girl hunched over a schoolbook nearby as his classmate Buffy, but his instincts just screamed "food!" As he snuck up behind her, she threw the book down and yelled at it. "This is _dumb_! Why do I need to know who said 'those who don't know their history are bound to repeat it'?"

He couldn't help himself. "George Santayana."

She spun around. "Oh. Thanks, Wendell." Then she picked up a crossbow and -


	79. UST

**UST**  
_Prompt: "Hate." Late season 7, eeeever so slightly AU._

* * *

_"...Because, miss Holier-Than-Thou, you're gonna get everyone killed!"_

_"Look who's talking! Murdered anyone lately?"_

_"Get your hands off me, B."_

_"Or what?"_

_"Push me again and you'll find out."_

_"You mean... like this?"_

_"OK, that's it."_

Downstairs, Rona listened in disbelief. "Our leaders hate each other. Great."

Willow grimaced. "Well, it's... complicated."

"Hey, they've stopped yelling, that's..." Vi blushed. The sound of bedsprings and occasional moans from upstairs was unmistakable. "...oh."

"So, it took them 4 years and 188 days. Pay up, Will." Xander held out his hand.

Willow grumbled. "Double or nothing they start fighting about who's on top."


	80. Be Brief In It

**Be Brief In It**_  
Prompt: "Hate"_

He stays by the fresh grave until darkness falls, until the other arrives.

"I used to hate her, you know. We had a club and everything." There's wonder in his voice at the years gone by. "Not the way I hate you, obviously, but... The shoe obsession, the way she opened her mouth without thinking first..."

Angel nods. "The always getting her way, the sarcasm..."

"_God_, I hated her." Xander adjusts his eyepatch.

"Did you ever tell her that?"

"Oh yeah. All the time."

Angel's voice wavers slightly. "I never did."

They could say more, but sometimes hate is easier.


	81. Welcome to Slayerfest

**Welcome to Slayerfest**  
_Missing scene from "Homecoming"_

"Hello?"

"..."

"Hey Xander. What's up?"

"..."

"Cool. I'm just gonna pick B up, then we'll swing by..."

"..."

"Oh."

"..."

"Sure, I mean..."

"..."

"No, I get it. B and Cordy need to work things out, I'm five by five on that. See you there."

Faith hung up and looked at the phone for a few seconds before turning back to the cracked motel mirror. Dress, hair, makeup... hot shit. With a sigh, she kicked off her high heels and slipped on her old tennis shoes; The Bronze was across town, and she'd gotten the pumps thinking she'd actually get to ride a limo.


	82. OT3 2 0

**OT3 2.0**  
_Prompt: Spike/Buffy/Angel. Season 5._

(Knock knock.)

Warren opened the door, eyes wide in surprise. "S-Spike... Buffybot... I-is there a problem with the bot? I did every test you wanted..."

"None at all." Spike grinned. "I'm one happy customer. We're here to place another order."

"Look, I'm not making any more girls..."

"Not a problem. Well, depends on your definition... here's your new specs. Make sure you get the forehead right."

"And the hair," Buffybot beamed. "It grows straight up and it's bloody sexy."

Spike leaned closer, menacingly. "And no cheating on the tests. Angelbot had better be able to do _everything_ on this list."


	83. Dream Lover

**Dream Lover**  
_Crack pairings! Get your crack pairings here!_

"And you're sure you'll be OK by yourself?"

"I'll be fine, Buffy," Joyce smiled patiently. "After stopping Adam, you and Riley deserve a week's vacation together."

Joyce watched Buffy walk to the car. Having made sure she was alone, she ran upstairs, undressed, got into bed and quickly fell asleep. When she opened her eyes, he lay beside her, a warm sun glinting off his bald head and the yellow slices covering them.

"We wear the cheese," he whispered. "It does not wear us."

He gasped with pleasure as Joyce started licking the melting cheddar off his well-aged, sexy body.


	84. Red Devil

**Red Devil**_  
Prompt: "Support"_

"Awww, poor Spikey's head."

"Shut up, Harm."

"Did you, like, forget about the chip? I told you to let me do the biting."

"The chip's supposed to stop me from biting humans. Didn't think that bloke qualified."

"What, because he was... English?"

"No, you nitwit, because of his shirt."

"I think it's cute. Too bad I got blood all over it or I could have kept it, I look _totally_ hot in baby blue."

Spike sighed, exasperated, and sneered at the dead football fan at his feet. He didn't care what the chip said; no way City fans were human.


	85. Obedience Training

**Obedience Training**_  
Prompt: "Fat"_

Xander cocked his head. "Is it me, or is he putting on weight?"

"Yeah. He's all chubby."

"You think we should... I dunno, stop feeding him for a while?"

"Nawww." Willow pouted. "Feeding him is fun. Plus I kinda feel bad about him... if I hadn't done that to his knee, maybe he wouldn't just sit there all the time?"

"He was a lot more active a year ago, yeah. Maybe he just needs more exercise."

"My thoughts exactly." Willow grinned and licked her lips as she stepped inside Angel's cage. "Oh, Puppy? Time to burn off that baby fat..."


	86. Who Calls?

**Who Calls?**_  
Prompt: "March". __Yes... it's an Angel/__Shakespeare__ crossover!_

"What man is that?"

"Ignore him, Caesar. Just some crazy leper." Brutus quickly dragged his emperor away from the disfigured soothsayer who had approached them.

"But he said I should beware the ides -"

"The ides of March, the carps of July, whatever. Surely the ruler of the civilised world has more important problems?"

"I suppose... hey, is that a knife in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Behind them, Sahjhan almost stumbled over his toga as he ran from the guards. Who knew you had to tweak history this much just to change one tiny prophecy?


	87. Sibling RIvalry

**Sibling Rivalry**

It's not fair.

Just because they're older than you, your sister (or brother – it works both ways) gets all the superpowers, all the henchmen... women... henchpersons, the world-rulage possibilities, and what do you get? Squat.

And when you complain about it they just laugh, pat you on the head (metaphorically) and go off with their minions grumbling that you're whiny and clingy.

It's not_ fair_.

They get to be all incorporeal and pose as dead people (oooo, _scary_) and cause apocalypses and stuff, and all you can do is possess hyenas and steal squirrels' souls.

Being the Second Evil sucks.


	88. When They Used To Have A Show

**When They Used To Have A Show**  
_Post-series. Prompt: "Palm"_

She's in Brazil again, where it fell apart. 150 years of blood and madness are almost over: Spike, Angelus, Darla, Sunnydale, LA... all gone. Through the palm trees, the stars sing of a new age. Drusilla knows what's coming before she hears the footsteps approaching.

"Hey. Vampirella."

-

Willow looks up when Kennedy returns to the hotel room. "Hey, baby. Patrol good?"

"Nah. Just found one, and she hardly put up a fight. Seems we're running out of vamps."

"Y'know," Willow grins, "some might say that's a _good_ thing..."

-

At sunrise, the warm wind ruffles the palm branches, scattering the ashes.


	89. Dead Flowers

**Dead Flowers**  
_Post-"Not Fade Away". Prompt: "Flower"_

"Whatcha drinking?"

Faith hands her the bottle without looking up. Buffy takes a swig, chokes and looks at the label. "80 percent alcohol? Are you trying to kill me?"

"Hey, if you can't handle it -"

"I didn't say that." Buffy takes another mouthful – "Hhhhhk!" - and passes the bottle back. The rays of the sun sinking in the Pacific glitter in the green absinthe as Faith tips her head back and drinks deep. They sit there until it's dark, sharing the bittersweet liquor in silence. It's been a year since LA burned to the ground and dried wormwood makes a good wreath.


	90. I'm Allowed To Keep

**I'm Allowed To Keep**  
_Season 4, "A New Man". Prompt: "Flower"_

It's incredible how soft they still are; after the way the spell went kafloofie (she's even starting to talk like her... not good) she hadn't expected to find a single one, or at least just small flakes of soot. Certainly not these perfect, silky, bright red little things that still smell as sweet as when Willow brought the rose over for the -

- spell. Yeah. Just two friends casting a spell. Gotta remember that.

But Tara gathers up all the petals of the rose they floated, wraps them up carefully and places them under her pillow. There's no harm in dreaming.


	91. PreProduction

**Pre-Production  
**_Angel s5. Prompt: "Flower"_

Angel groaned; before joining Wolfram & Hart, he'd thought vampires couldn't get headaches. "For the last time, Lorne: _no_ movies about me and Spike."

"But we were just casting. Orlando Bloom would _kill_ as Spike, and he's a total sweetie; he's not even going to sue over that incident in the lobby."

"B'kostalvi's Literal Interpreters turned him into a begonia!"

"Oh, just for a minute. We've got the perfect guy for you too -"

"NO!"

Lorne got to the door before Angel cleared his throat. "Um... just out of curiosity, did Johnny Depp...?"

"Sorry, Angelcakes. He was busy."

"So who..."

"John Goodman."


	92. Incomplete

**Incomplete  
**_Prompt: "Final"_

The Razorbacks were never more than average; a football team can only take so many mysterious deaths. Larry was big but he was never supposed to start as quarterback, and Percy might be great at shooting hoops but as a wide receiver he was crap. They almost got to the playoffs in senior year, but Larry got sacked in the last game and that was it.

Now Larry stands firm as the snake towers over him, while Percy and the gang try to hold the line. The flamethrower sputters, but he raises it and braces himself for the hit.

_HailMaryfullagracehelpmewinthi-_


	93. A Plaice To Call Home

**A Plaice To Call Home**  
_Angel, pre-s4._

The worst thing about being trapped in a coffin deep under the waves wasn't the hunger, but the loneliness. Without a single living thing to talk to, Angel felt himself going mad.

Then a small flatfish settled on his window. Its mouth moved slowly, as if talking. Sometimes it went for a short swim, casting a cock-eyed glance at the curious creature in the box, but it always returned to keep him company and listen to him.

For a while, that fish kept Angel sane. As bad as his situation was, at least he was a vampire with a sole.


	94. Allergy

**Allergy**  
_Prompt: "Doctor." Season 4_.

"Doctor...?" The nurse sounded bewildered. "You'd better come see this patient. "

"Let me guess: acute anemia, bite marks on the neck...?"

"No, I've never seen anything like this before. It doesn't seem life-threatening, but..."

The patient was conscious, but being covered from head to toe in a mucus-like substance that was already hardening like cement had to be unpleasant. They ended up ruining 18 scalpels cutting him loose.

...

Downtown, Spike handed Giles a handkerchief. "Gesundheit. Why'd you sneeze on that bloke after I told you about Fyarl mucus?"

Giles glared at him with demonic eyes and growled something about mohair.


	95. Proper Protocol

**Proper Protocol**  
_Prompt: "Bow"_

Bowing is how man shows submission; expose your neck, look at the floor, place yourself at the mercy of the other.

Slayers don't bow.

"Stupid girl," the demon lord chuckles as the captured girl is brought before him. "Come to assassinate me, hmmm...? Tell you what. Show proper respect to your new master and I _might_ make it quick for you."

With a furious look, the girl holds out her skirt and bends her knees deeply ... then suddenly uncoils like a whip, pulling a knife from her boot as she leaps for his neck.

No, Slayers don't bow. They curtsey.


	96. Only A Prawn In Their Game

**Only A Prawn In Their Game**  
_Prompt: "Land." Mid-season 5.  
_

By Odin's beard, what was this treachery? One minute Olaf was fighting that Slayer wench, and the next he woke up in a world inhabited entirely by fishermen with boats and large nets. And the worst part: these lousy fishermen never caught _anything_ but shrimp.

Olaf felt like smashing something.

It took him a while to understand what had happened. (Specifically, ten minutes with the oldest and wisest fisherman, who knew more about alternate dimensions and less about violence than Olaf.)

Land of the trolls, land of the trawls... trust Anyanka and her witch to get a simple spell wrong.


	97. Kill The Hypothenuse

**Kill The Hypothenuse**  
_Prompt: "Missing." "Graduation Day."_

They're fighting. She can't hear them from up here, but it looks serious. Break-up serious.

Figures.

Not that Faith's surprised; that girl never wants what she's got. You do the good-girl thing, try to impress, and B still only sees Angel. Burn your bridges and whoopsie-daisy, she's dumping him.

Part of her hates that she wants to go down there, make things right... Fuck it. Too late now.

Faith lets the arrow fly and Angel crumples to the ground. Buffy looks around in panic, but doesn't see her.

The Boss's idiot minion says she missed the heart.

Yeah. Long time ago.


	98. Pronounce It Properly

**Pronounce It Properly**  
_Prompt: "Plane"_

Angel hesitated at the stairs leading up to the Learjet.

"Come on already," Cordelia hissed. "The Z'baygn demons don't like to be kept waiting."

"But..."

"I know, vampires can't fly, they didn't have planes in your day, yada yada yada. But this is their HQ, they've sworn not to take off, and we need their help for -"

"I know," Angel grumbled. "But can't we meet their leader at our office, or a demon bar, or... why does it have to be here?"

Cordelia groaned. "Do I need to say it?"

"Say what?"

"The reigning Z'baygn stays mainly in the plane."


	99. Esperanza

**Esperanza**  
_Prompt: "Hope"_

Andrew's snoring in the passenger seat, exhausted. Jonathan sticks to small roads.

_217 miles to go_

He checks himself in the mirror. The border was the last time he'll ever use a glamour, he decides; it feels like... cheating.

_143 miles_

Sunset. He grips the wheel tighter; just a few more hours of darkness now.

_49 miles_

Tomorrow they'll make everything right. They'll find the seal, show Buffy... The nightmares will stop.

_WELCOME TO SUNNYDALE_

"Home sweet home." Jonathan lets out a breath.

Andrew's awake, fidgeting with something in his bag. "You keep circling around. Just... just drive straight in."


	100. Vae, Puto, Monstrum Fio

**Vae, Puto, Monstrum Fio**  
_Prompt: "Word". Timeline: "Lie To Me"_

Words always came easy to Ford. He's been rehearsing every step, polishing every phrase: tricking Buffy, impressing the vampire wannabes, convincing Spike, triumphing over that fucking disease and rising again, even the cool one-liners he'll use on his terrified victims...

But then it's real.

He climbs from his grave, comes face to face with his childhood friend, and in the second it takes him to turn to dust he looks into her eyes. He sees no fear, no hatred, no hesitation; just grief. And all his clever phrases disintegrate with him.

For once, there's no clever pun from her either.


	101. Tech Support

**Tech Support  
**_Prompt: "Word". Hey, that's drabble #100 in this series!_

Willow stared at it. "O...kay. And this just... happened?"

"Yes." Giles looked guilty. "I don't suppose you could, um... fix it?"

"Uh-uh. I'm not _touching_ – GAAH! It moved!"

"I was just copying the spells from _Green's Compendium of Transmogrification_ so you'd have it on computer. They're easily triggered so I didn't recite them out loud, I just typed them in Word, saved, and..." Something dawned on him. "Oh dear."

Willow couldn't help but grin. "You hit 'spell check', didn't you?"

Giles nodded. The giant frog that ten minutes and one successfully checked spell earlier had been his computer croaked unhappily.


	102. Jitters

**Jitters**  
_Prompt: "Teacher." Post-"Chosen."_

4AM. Five hours before the Slayer Academy opens, Robin finds Faith drinking beer in the kitchen. He grabs two more from the fridge, sits down and waits.

"Last time I set foot in a classroom I was 15," she says finally. "B's insane."

"You're a fight instructor. I don't think she's expecting you to teach algebra."

"Yeah, but... Me as an authority figure? I'm not sure I can even _spell_ 'unqualified'."

"I once hired Buffy to counsel kids with emotional problems."

Faith frowns. "Huh."

"Most of them survived, too." He takes another sip. "Are you coming back to bed?"

"Yeah."


	103. User Profile

**User Profile**  
_Prompt: "Remember"_

Reality brings back ancient memories in disconnected flashes.

The wooden cage rocking gently when it's lifted, like the ship to Virginia. (How old was she? Was her family with her?)

Vegetables and cooked meat. (Were the tomatoes this big? Was she always this hungry?)

Powerful men who want something from her. (Damn her? Save her?)

They let her out after dark. (Is sunlight dangerous?)

"Make him a monster again," they say. "Haunt his dreams." (Is that her, haunting her own?)

Everything reminds Darla of what she _was_. There's barely enough reality at Wolfram & Hart to tell her who she _is_.


	104. Antipodean

**Antipodean**  
_Prompt: "Down/Under." __Post-series._

As the new Slayers gather from all over the world, they exchange stories. Their first slay, how they were called, and the nightmares (and occasional blind priests) of the preceding months.

The ones from Australia, though, have a slightly different story. Apparently the First Evil, being thousands of years old, never quite got the intricacies of the world being round (it's just a theory, after all) and the implications for the ones living on the underside.

"So _that's_ what that meant?" Sheila laughs. "You know, I never understood what was supposed to be scary about _From above you, it devours_."


	105. Sometimes The Bear Spits You Out Again

**And Sometimes The Bear Spits You Out Again**  
_Prompt: "Bear." __Post-series_

"...Shit."

Vi never swears. When she does, the others notice, look where she's pointing, and flinch.

That demon "army" they defeated was just a small advance troop. The actual army outnumbers the Slayers 100 to 1.

"Fuck it. Sometimes you eat the bear... " Faith spits, wipes the blood from her eyes, and raises her sword. "_Come on!_ You're only gonna die once!"

"Um..." Buffy raises her hand. "Speak for yourself?"

"Trying to motivate the troops here, B."

"Just sayin', death isn't -"

"_You're_ gonna lecture me on inspirational speeches?"

"Notice how they're attacking without us...?"

"We're getting too old for this."


	106. Saved

**Saved  
**_Prompt: "Gather"_

Justine clumsily gathers Angelus' child in her arms, flinching when she realises she almost ran him through with the knife. Then she's running for the car, juggling knife and child.

A life in her hands. A life in –

A life saved. That's what matters. Not who she killed, not whatever vampire killed her sister, not the past. Just the future. She, Daniel, the child... three lonely people making a new life together.

Her battered face hurts as she straps him into the baby seat, her hands slippery with Wesley's blood. She's got responsibility now. Human beings are so very fragile.


	107. Summer Lovers

**Summer Lovers  
**_Prompt: "Bare"_

Seeing her in the late afternoon sun, his head swam with conflicting emotions. The memories of their summer together, just the two of them, baring every part of themselves to each other...

And now it was over. Tomorrow, _they_ would swarm all over her, and he'd be powerless to stop them defiling and perverting her.

As Snyder closed the campus gates for the last time before the fall semester, he heard the school calling him back. Knowing he couldn't protect her almost made him cry. There had to be some way of running this place without all these damned.... _kids_.


	108. Something From The Heart

**Something From The Heart  
**_Prompt: "Box"_

Wolfram & Hart's entertainment division was busy before Christmas, piping music to every store and producing every Christmas special on TV. So when Spike asked for help with a gift, Lorne said:

"Nope. Uh-uh. No time. Besides, Angel's my boss. I can't help you do... _that_ to him."

"Even if I promise not to tell him you cancelled _A Very Barry Christmas_?"

Lorne cringed. "You wouldn't..."

"It might slip out accidentally," Spike grinned wickedly. "Unless you tell me how to give the old poof what he deserves."

"OK." Lorne sighed and handed him the box. "Step one, cut a hole here..."


	109. Calm Sea Does Not A Skilled Sailor Make

**A Calm Sea Does Not A Skilled Sailor Make**  
_Prompt: "Descend." Post-Season 6._

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent towards Heathrow. Please fasten your seatbelts and return your seatbacks to their upright position."

Giles glances down at the city far below as the jumbo jet banks and dips its wing. Beside him, Willow hasn't moved or spoken for hours. Now she grips the armrests even tighter, her knuckles white.

The plane lurches, falls a few hundred feet, as if remembering that it's heavier than air. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some slight turbulence. Please remain seated."

Giles puts his hand on Willow's. She doesn't relax, but the plane lands safely.


	110. It's Easy Being Green

**It's Easy Being Green**

"I _said_ I was sorry, OK? Besides, I thought you wanted a break in showbusiness..."

Lorne sighed. Yes, being considered for the lead in the _Twilight_ movie was flattering (even if it wasn't a musical). "But..."

"Also, there aren't many who can play Edward after the... unfortunate business with that demon I... kinda summoned."

Lorne thumbed through the script and winced. "And you couldn't have had the Find-And-Replace demon do something about the dialog – and I use the term very loosely - instead?"

"Sorry, no can do. All it did was change all references to his skin from 'marble' to 'jade'."


	111. Pan Am Highway Blues

**Pan Am Highway Blues**  
_Prompt: "Pan." __Post-"Becoming"_

They run out of road in Panama. After haggling over the fare to Colombia, Spike kills the ferryman and steers the boat himself, as if they couldn't get out of North America quickly enough.

Now he stands at the helm, watching the dark ocean, while the DeSoto sits quiet on the deck. The lights ahead promise a new world, where it's just him and Dru and she'll talk to him again and everything will be back to normal.

And yet... he looks behind him. Bram Stoker was wrong, vampires can cross water just fine. It's going back again that's difficult.


	112. One Hit Wonder

**One Hit Wonder**  
_Prompt: "Weapon"_

"Well, that was resourceful." Giles poked the unconscious vampire with his foot. They'd been standing outside Oz's van discussing music when it attacked.

"Yeah." Oz inspected his Stratocaster for vamp-head-related damage. "I like to improvise on this one. Good to know it stays in tune."

"I hear Leo Fender was, um, quite the demon hunter."

The vampire groaned, touched the bump on his forehead and mumbled something about attacking folk musicians from now on.

"He's coming to. You wouldn't happen to have a stake in the van?"

Oz reached inside and handed Giles a drumstick. "You wanna do the encore?"


	113. Stylish, Yet Affordable

**Stylish, Yet Affordable**_  
Prompt: "Sale"_

"Yup, that's definitely you," the saleswoman beams.

Buffy sighs and checks the price tag on the jacket for the fifth time. "I guess I'm too much for me to handle." She looks away from the mirror as she takes the jacket off; it snags on her Doublemeat Palace name tag.

"Oh, I forgot to mention, this one's on sale. 50% off."

"Really? I -"

"Really."

"Look, I'll be honest with you. I can't really afford a new jacket at all, I just wanted to -"

The saleswoman looks her in the eye. "My son graduated from Sunnydale High. Just take the jacket."


	114. All Wrapped Up

**All Wrapped Up**  
_Wishverse_

Willow does this high-pitched squeal when she's too happy for words. This time, she followed it with pouncing on Xander, wrapping her legs around his waist and kissing him hard. "How'd you know it's what I wanted?"

"Come on, Will, it's me." He slid his hands up her thighs to her ass, holding her up easily. "You always said you wanted a puppy..."

"I was eight," she beamed. "You remembered."

"...and your parents wouldn't get you one."

"Well, we showed'em." Then she glanced over at Angel, bound and gagged in his cell, and squeed again. "Wanna teach him some tricks?"


	115. Checking In

**Checking In**  
_Prompt: "Signature"_

"Is that all?"

"Yeah."

"Sign on the dotted line. You'll get it all back when you're released."

Faith's signature was always a mess. A big backwards-leaning F, a squiggle nobody can read, an L so low and wide it's almost a horizontal line. But this time, she takes care. Spells it. Prints it more legibly than the list of possessions the guard wrote above it: pants, shirt, underwear, gum. And her name. She looks one last time at everything she had left before she puts on the uniform and becomes Prisoner 430019.

Everything doesn't seem like a lot to leave.


	116. Power Circle

**Power Circle**  
_Prompt: "Candle". __Season 5-ish._

"Is it all gone? De-this-dimensionalized?"

Tara double-checked the spell. "I think so."

"Phew." Willow giggled nervously as she cleaned up the hastily drawn symbols on the crumpled bedsheet. "I've never had to do an emergency banishing stark nekkid before."

"Maybe we should be more careful how we arrange the candles around the bed? And, um..." Tara blushed.

"...not call out anything that might be names of malevolent spirits during extra-romantic moments anymore, gotcha. Stickin' to the old 'Oh G-dash-d yes' from now on."

"Do you think we need to say _which_ god we're not summoning?"

"Wouldn't that be kinda weird?"


	117. Can't Stop The Signal

**Can't Stop The Signal**  
_Prompt: "Expert". __Not Fade Away._

She has facts, history, data on everything. She's Files and Records; it's her job. If it's happened, she remembers it. If it's foretold or planned, she anticipates it.

Angel standing up to the Senior Partners was neither foretold nor planned. Yet she's perfectly calm as the skyscraper falls, tons of concrete and steel crashing down around her. She knows her history; this is unusual, unfortunate, but far from unheard of. What falls always comes up again. Until then, she'll be waiting right here, keeping the information secure.

She's Files and Records. It's her job. And she's very good at it.


	118. Pattern Recognition

**Pattern Recognition**  
_Prompt: "S and 3"_

"Because you always fall for the same people," Dawn said. "You have a type."

"I do _not_!" Buffy protested. "Angel, dark and mysterious. Riley, mister Normality. Spike, bad boy with the motorcycle and leather. Where's the type?"

"And your first motorbiking bad-boy boyfriend who was _completely_ different from Spike was ...?"

Buffy groaned. "Pike. Whatever, so maybe I have _three_ types. That still doesn't mean I'll date anyone who's..."

"B?" Faith walked in, tossing her a helmet. "Let's motorvate. The Harley's souped up, those vamps ain't gonna dust themselves." She frowned as Dawn collapsed in giggles. "OK, what's the joke?"


	119. There Goes The Cavalry

**There Goes The Cavalry**  
_Pretty much immediately post-"Not Fade Away"_

"I'm not sure that was smart, Spike," Angel said as they stood over the prone body.

"He saved our lives. It's a perfectly normal way to express gratitude," Spike protested.

"Right. He swoops in with a Slayer army and wins the battle, and your reaction is to... to..."

"Yeah, I snogged him. People do that. You should know, mate."

Angel poked the blissfully passed-out Andrew with his foot, then stepped back as five of the wary Slayers circling them raised their crossbows. "Can we discuss proper etiquette _after_ we convince these kind ladies that we didn't just kill their Watcher?"


	120. Corporate Ladder

**Corporate Ladder**

Richie had meant to apply for the position of Goat Sacrificer at Wolfram & Hart. It seemed cushy enough; good hours, recession-proof, and all the chèvre he could eat. But it turned out that's not an entry-level position. You don't just walk in off the street and start slicing up goats; you work yourself up to it.

So he started out as a Rabbit Sacrificer. Two long, grueling years down in the sub-sub-basement, decapitating bunnies.

Somehow, he didn't think this was what his father had meant when he told him to get a hare cut and get a real job.


	121. Let Me Have Men About Me That Are Fat

**Let Me Have Men About Me That Are Fat**  
_Pre-series. Prompt: "Cool Hand Luke"_

After the final raid on UC Sunnydale, Darla has three minions carry the moaning Luke to his crypt. "And let's not drop our fearless leader, hmmm?"

One of them glares at her. "The Master is our true leader. Until he rises, Luke is his lieutenant, his trusted instrument, his most high -"

"Yeah, yeah. Just make sure he doesn't throw up."

The bloated, blue-ish Luke tries to speak. "I told..." He swallows, chokes something back. "I told you I could eat fifty students."

Darla pats his hand with a razor-thin smile. "And we're all very impressed. Now get some sleep."


	122. Room Service

**Room Service  
**_Prompt: "Breakfast in bed"_

_"Heeeeere, kitty kitty."_

There's warmth, both in the voice and in the air coming from the open window. Normally she wouldn't enter a strange house, but she's been out all night in the rain.

_"Heeere, kitty kitty. Want some milk?"_

Yes. She does. Shivering, the soaked little cat jumps onto the windowledge and looks inside. A safe, cozy apartment, and right underneath the window a big, warm bed with an... odd-looking human in it. She jumps down onto the bed and lets him pet her.

"Meowwww?"

"Aren't you the sweetest little thing," Clem beams. "I could just eat you up."


	123. No Souvenirs

**No Souvenirs  
**_Prompt: "Move"_

It's about 48 hours after Sunnydale collapses, after the shock starts to dull, after they've refueled the bus and loaded up on necessities, before they remember things they left behind.

Books. Clothes. Rings. Stuffed pigs. Photo albums. Everything they'd have packed in boxes marked 'FRAGILE' and brought along if they'd known they weren't coming back. It's silly, really. It's just stuff, hooks to hang memories on. Not _really_ important.

Dawn could tell them that, she's sorta used to travelling light. Instead, when nobody's looking, she quietly slips the last existing picture of Tara from her wallet into Willow's new purse.


	124. Golden Goal

**Golden Goal  
**_Prompt: "Direct"_

_You are watching FETV: First Evil Television._

"We're going directly to Sunnydale, where something very exciting is happening. Bob?"

"IT'S OVER! WE WON! The Slayers are retreating and our plucky Turok-Hans are taking up pursuit. Buffy Summers made a last-minute substitution, but it wasn't enough. I'll see if I can get a comment from Spike before... he's wearing some sort of..."

"Wait, I'm told we have an aerial shot of Sunnydale where I'm sure you'll see our Turok-Hans overrunning... um... oh dear. Bob, that looks like offside to us, any thoughts?"

"…"

"We seem to have lost contact with Bob there..."


	125. Like, No Business I Know

**Like, No Business I Know**  
_Prompt: "The show must go on"_

"I suppose you think this is funny?" Snyder slammed the door of his office and circled the three students in a supposedly shark-like fashion.

Buffy, Xander and Willow didn't look very amused.

"Right. I'd prefer to have you expelled just to be on the safe side, but apparently someone on the school board understands avant-garde theater better than me." He sat down and held up a letter. "So you've been hired to perform your... 'savagely post-modern deconstruction' of _Oedipus Rex_at high schools all over California. To start with. Happy now?"

Thud. "Willow...?"

"And there's no fainting in my office!"


	126. They Mostly Come At Dawn Mostly

**They Mostly Come At Dawn... Mostly**  
_Post-"Chosen". Prompt: "Lantern"_

Guiseppe runs. Once you see their light, it's usually too late. Yet he runs.

Rome has catacombs, entire cities underground. They've been down here in the dark since before Caesar. It's safe. Home. Then _they _came. Not just one every few decades, but half a dozen every day, picking them off one by one.

Guiseppe runs deeper, dodging their bright beams, then turns into a tunnel that's suddenly filled with flickering yellow light. He's dust before he has time to scream.

(...)

"Wouldn't a flashlight be better?" Lucia nods at Buffy's cast-iron lantern.

"Maybe. I just like the feel of it."


	127. When You Have To Go There

**When You Have To Go There**  
_Post-NFA. Prompt: "Whipped cream"_

After Dawn answers the door, they stare at each other for what feels like minutes.

"Is she in?" Spike finally asks.

"Patrolling. Creepy Roman catacombs."

"Right." He wraps the coat around himself, looking old and tired.

"We heard about LA. How did you... what about..."

"Long story."

"Oh." She nods. "Come in."

Spike parks himself at the kitchen table, looking far away, doesn't look up until she puts a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. "Welcome home." There's whipped cream melting on top, and he grips the cup tight.


	128. TGIF

**TGIF**  
_Post-series_

"So..." Spike groaned as he collapsed, "Everything's OK, right? Can we rest now, Buffy? Can we rest?"

"You rest. I'm too tired." Buffy dropped the slimy axe on the WELCOME* mat, stumbled into their living room and did a faceplant onto the couch. "Th'ee abfoffsis..."

"Whussatluv?"

Buffy moaned, not moving from the couch. "Three apocalypses in one week? I'm too old for this."

Spike used all his vampire strength to pick himself up off the hallway floor, fetch a couple of beers and lie down next to her. "Promise to stake me if we don't get to sleep in tomorrow?"


	129. And That's Terrible

**And That's Terrible**_  
Prompt: "Short"_

Stretch, yawn, blink awake. "Morning, sweetie." Tara reached out, only to have Willow shrug her off and burrow deeper under the covers.

"Grrf. Y'took m'cake."

"Will...?"

"Wuz_mine_."

Tara found Willow's shoulder under the covers and rocked her lightly. "You're dreaming."

Willow suddenly sat up, looked around, then lay back down. "Sorry. I dreamed you took all the cake. Felt all shortchangey," she added apologetically. "Did I mention that I'm crazy?"

"I guess dream-me loves your cake."

Willow grinned. "So, now we can have the leftover cake for breakfast instead, right?"

"Um..."

"I dreamed the cake too, didn't I?"

"There's waffles...?"


	130. I Know This Because Tyler Knows This

**I Know This Because Tyler Knows This**  
_"Dirty Girls"_. _Prompt: "Rule one"_

"So I'm pretty sure Faith got that scar from Angel," Buffy said once she was alone with Willow.

"The whatnow?"

"Faith. Neck. Fresh vamp bite. You didn't notice?"

Willow seemed about to imply something, but instead went with sympathy: "I'm sure there's a perfectly good... um... Can't you just ask her what happened?"

"Right. Just _ask_ Faith something." Buffy shook her head. "First rule: You do not talk about Bite Club. And no, I do _not_pay close attention to Faith's neck."

"Gotcha. I'm Jack's friendly support."

Buffy sighed. "It was easier when we could just beat each other up."


	131. Teacher's Edition

**Teacher's Edition**_  
Season 2. Prompt: "Technical difficulties"_

"Um, Miss Calendar? This can't be right...?"

It happens in almost every computer class. No matter how quickly Willow learns, there's always one task she can't solve. Jenny comes over to look over her shoulder, Willow tenses up and stammers and before Jenny can explain she'll babble herself into the perfect solution and grin like a dope at "Very nice, Willow." If she were a guy, Jenny might think Willow was hot for ...

Oh.

That would be a big one.

So she tells Willow that as long as it works, it's right. And waits for the code to compile.


	132. CrossCultural Exchange

**Cross-Cultural Exchange**  
_Post-series. Prompt: "Crescent"_

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you might need this," Buffy said, handing a cross to Leila as the vampires approached.

The Tunisian Slayer frowned. "What for?"

"Crosses repel vampires. I don't know if it's because it's a religious symbol or what, but they do. Just hold it up - "

Leila leapt at the first vampire and swiped at him with her scimitar. The second the blade touched his neck, he dusted.

"...or you could do that," Buffy nodded.

Leila held up the crescent-shaped blade and smiled. "_Allahu Akbar_."

Then Rebekah took out the rest with her six-pointed shuriken.


End file.
